The Transformation 10: Suicidal Ideation


As cautioned in the first post of this series, it would become very likely that I report on trauma triggers like suicide, especially if they become more present. However, the Transformation demands to grapple with it and I assume to define the current state to be of a low level of suicidal ideation.

Happiness over the life-time

I recognize an interesting development over the last months. Since about two years I follow the idea to make a graph on the happiness of life. When I turned 30 recently, I realized I spent half of my life in unhappiness, in some life periods even in severe levels.

Excel proposed a waterfall diagram, so I used that too, and… well, if you’re not that bad at math the result doesn’t surprise you. Unfortunately I haven’t found an option to mark the zero line, but maybe on another occasion.

Mathematically spoken I need a few positive years to balance my bad times.

Overall developments

But why should my past be important? I could say that since my teenage years my overall happiness has risen, a few years ago it even reached a positive level. I assume three phenomena contributed to this course:

  1. My daily tasks are more demanding so I’m less bored with my life.
  2. I got to know a few people I can trust in.
  3. Sometimes I experience respect and acknowledgements for (parts of) who I am.

Unfortunately, I’m satisfied only for a short time frame. Aspirations and demands rise more quickly than my current progress in life. Perhaps it’s comparable to the effects of drugs when you develop the need for more. And right now when my access to my drugs is lowered I perceive the downside even more drastic.

Recent causes and effects

I’m no longer completely sure how things evolved in the last three months – everything’s blurred, just like my teenage years. However, I remember that on the gig shortly after my recent birthday the defeat in the case of my relationship to the singer put me into a state where I thought of calling a suicide hotline. The inner pressure felt unbearable and the fall from the few positive feelings was long and deep.

Only a few weeks ago the band proposed the leaving of the singer immediately after her internal quit.¬† I “emergency called” my best friends that I definitely need someone to talk to. I had a strong urge to hurt myself – thank God that my calls were answered.

About two weeks ago when I had my breakdown I thought again seriously about the aspects of my life. I pondered those worth living for against my suffering. The suffering definitely prevails in these times.

Since a few days I catch myself in thoughts like “presumably I won’t live that long anymore because most certainly I will have an alcohol-induced car crash in the next few years, so I may write my testament the other day”. Today I was mad about my daily sadness which may be healed for the moment with weeping, but will return the other day. Instead of crying I may turn to self-mutilating behavior as the effects “could be stronger”. I guess if it wasn’t the case that in the next days I will have an sports evening with colleagues at work my inhibition level to actually hurt myself would be much lower.

Suicidal ideation

I named the title suicidal ideation because it’s just what it is, at least on a low level. The German Wikipedia knows the Pr√§suizidales Symptom which consists of narrowing, reverse aggression and suicidal phantasies. Interestingly, self-harm is usually not associated with suicide, but also because of the wide range of situations (like traditions) that foster self-harm.

Nonetheless I begin to question my existence in a new way. I developed some sort of motivation to turn the world into something better over the last years, but I always have difficulties dealing with my personal defeats and failures. In times like this year where many things went wrong I re-experience the hard way how fragile my belief in the meaning of my life is. Thankfully I can say to myself that a cure may be to adopt more responsibility and so I could (and I already do) search for it. But it’s one of the hopes that I currently cling on that, if it won’t make my life more meaningful, pushes me even further back into this deep, dark hole where there’s only hopelessness. Then I would also have failed in The Transformation.


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