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The Transformation 07: Subjection

Comment 2018-12-08: Some of my posts of The Transformation are tainted by my mood. I decided to update some of them, especially this one. I distilled few more insights, but I didn’t distort their essential message.

Additionally, the previous post (Separation), this one (Subjection) and the succesor (Collapse) built the block before the latent burdensome theme that emerged from the events described in these posts . 

Context

One week later, a million experiences further. Ultimately, I might change. I hope so, because there’s not much left to build upon.

The Pathway

Countdown

On Friday I sent a SMS to my love that I’ve blocked her. I couldn’t stand our relationship anymore – yet while I didn’t want to slam the door I also assured her that we can talk if she wants to. She didn’t – and I suppose she never will again.

On Sunday morning I met with my band colleagues to discuss the current state. We went out with a rather positive idea how to progress, although many questions, especially how to deal with our singer, were left unanswered. I decided I’m going to unblock my love on Tuesday evening so we could talk if necessary before the next band rehearsal on Thursday.

On Monday evening I couldn’t sleep for several hours. I fantasized how things might become at least a little better when I would unblock her the next day. At the end, I dreamt about how I kissed her.

Subjection

On Tuesday morning, after only about three hours of sleep, hell broke out. My love posted in the band channel on WhatsApp that she had decided to leave the band. After only few comments I said that we shouldn’t precipitate any actions. But several hours later, when I had no chance to interfere, nearly all my current hopes and dreams were destroyed.

All relevant social media channels were activated to search for a new singer. In my desperation I wrote mean answers in the chat. I realized that I lost a good band colleague (I’m still not able to emotionally realize that she’s gone out of my life). Additionally, I couldn’t stand the way the band dealt with the loss. Little time later I understood that I couldn’t remain there any longer, too.

Protraction

Thankfully, a good friend of mine visited me last evening so I could express all my current feelings and the problems I face. It helped me a lot to at least don’t do anything stupid although I threw my phone at the wall when rage kicked in. Yet I really don’t know what would have happened if she wouldn’t have been there for me.

She tried to convince me that I cross up things in the case of the singer’s resignation. However, when she left I read further posts of the band leader that I couldn’t justify which cemented my will to resign from the band.

While I had a great day at work, once I came home today I felt how all the issues in my private life drag me down again. Another lucky me I had a phone call with an old friend of mine I recently talk a lot more to and again it helped me to keep my head up again – at least for the moment. Right now I’m just exhausted.

From a reader’s perspective, this post is poor written, but I have no energy left for anything better.

The Prospect

Update 2018-12-16: Added paragraph. I tried to remember what I’ve felt then and how I would have answered: what will be next?

The events that followed resulted in the collapse.

I was not able to think anything on Tuesday. On Wednesay, I was assure that I had to proclaim my termination as band member on the next day. I knew that there was only small time between the destruction and the appointment, so I had only little time to carefully think through what to do. This, however, was the time span I was able to imagine then.

I mention the last sentence as it reminds me of an episode of Jordan Peterson’s talk about his Twelve Rules for Life. In a video he says the following:

One of the things you do when you’re overwhelmed by crysis is you shorten your timeframe. […] You can’t think about next month. Maybe you can’t even bloody-well think about next week. And maybe not even about tomorrow. Because now is just so overwhelming that that’s all there is. […] You cut your timeframe back until you can cope with it. And if it’s not the next week that you see how to get through then it’s the next day. And if it’s not the next day, it’s the next hour. […]

Funnily though, much of what he says in this short video is a good contribution to The Transformation, e. g. to treat the misery rather as a tragedy, not hell. This is a sage advice. Yet I add: if you depict it as hell, make sure there exist stairs to climb out of it again.

Sources

Featured Image – By Michael Scharrer (https://mscharrer.net/povray/scenes/zh) [CC BY 4.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

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