2018-12-25: Added two chapters. The order might be a bit confusing, though.
One week has past since the rise of a new darkness. In one day I opened up rifts that eventually turned into separations. The singer, former friends and the new acquaintance I mentioned in a former post are affected. I extended this post in December by a reflection on this day.
The Separations, Yesterday
As a matter of fact, I spent Halloween last night going home and to bed early although there have been several options I could have picked from.
Initially (or to say at least until Monday) it could have been the case that I wouldn’t be around Nuremberg on Halloween. I waited until Monday to decide to go to a concert of the friend of mine I got to know recently, but I wanted to announce it to her only a few hours before its start.
On the same morning, I maybe had the chance to accompany a colleague for a presentation in the rear of Frankfurt. Yet, I refrained to ask him because then I wouldn’t have had the chance to attend the concert. Several hours later when the colleague already went to the meeting I messaged the friend that I wanted to join in.
To my surprise, she refused my request because she wanted to spent the time at the concert with her friends instead. She assured me that it’s not a personal issue.
It was nearly at the end of my working day that another friend of mine asked how things are going. We agreed to meet later at a different venue.
Later, right before going there, I drove to my rehearsal room to pick up my guitar. On my way there I had to think about the painful situation I’m in with my love. After I packed the guitar into my car, I blocked her on WhatsApp.
When I arrived at the venue, I spent a few more minutes in my car and got more and more depressed. Right before I wanted to enter the site I received a message from the friend that she’s now at a concert nearby and wanted to stay at least a few more minutes. With no mental power left I turned around and went my way back home.
And when many things fall apart, there are still bonds which can be teared, too.
When I checked my laptop to distract myself for just a few minutes, I discovered that former band colleagues and friends behaved inappropriately and so I blocked them, too.
The Turmoils, Before
Crossing Red Lines
To cut people out of someone’s life is hard and I suppose that not many do it consequently. This also reminds of the alpha, beta and omega paradigm of personality types where the betas are quite loyal, despite they cover lower ranks.
I didn’t cut the ties to anyone before that consciously – often, people just went other ways in a long-lasting process when no ambition to spend time together was left. To some degree, I already went through at least a few steps of this process which resulted in the feelings I had in the last days.
On Saturday evening, I messaged my love if she would spent time with me which she denied. During the conversation about several topics I said to her that I need to let my current view on her dying to build a new picture with other (less) expectations about her. She got angry, yet we didn’t talk further. During the night I wrote her that I can’t get happy with her as she doesn’t give me the attention I desire and need. On the next morning, she replied that many people around her feel the same towards her.
I heard this statement already a week ago in a similar manner. I strongly believe that this has been the turning point for my evaluation of my feelings and thoughts about her.
On Monday, we met late at a gym for only a few sentences to talk, yet she couldn’t stand my criticism on other issues and so we departed rather suddenly. On Tuesday, I sent her personal descriptions about my viewpoint of life and my faults. I once again assured her that I trust her, no matter the circumstances, yet her feedback wasn’t related in any way to our relationship.
Yesterday I asked her how thing’s were going when she replied as short as possible. She showed no signs of interest to improve the situation. And while I had formulated a few times before what I expect of her or how I wished to be treated by her she didn’t attempt to do anything about it.
The other problem doesn’t hurt much, it only summons anger and disappointment.
Years ago I played with two other band colleagues and a few years after the band disbanded I suggested we could write an official post. Its content: we point out in which directions each member heads so the few people that have been interested in the band can follow the new projects if they want to. My proposal didn’t catch much attention and so nothing happened.
A few weeks ago I announced to them that I’m about to set the status of the band to “terminated” on a platform for musicians. De facto, the band has played only one or two gigs after my quit which already dates back to a few years.
About a week ago I then changed the status as proposed. Yesterday, the two colleagues used the Facebook band site to announce a sudden end and to promote only their current project.
The Turmoils, After
Update 2018-12-25: Added chapter.
Days later I explained to one former band member why I felt so angry about the incident. We exchanged some messages, but none of us seemed to care enough to reestablish a better connection.
An underlying problem is that I’ve always had the feeling that these people didn’t take seriously what I said to them. The current event just reminded me of my personal disenchantment that settled in over the last years.
The Lost Friend
I guess I’ll write a separate post about the situations I was in with the short-period friend of mine.
At this point, I lost her, and the break seemed to happen back on this day. In the weeks after we were not able to communicate well and we didn’t meet anymore. A week ago we agreed to go to the Christmas Market in Nuremberg, but I turned ill and cancelled only about half an hour before the appointment. She didn’t like it and I see that this was my fault.
However, it feels like that this was the last chance for a reunion, and it snapped.
A specific constellation of stars
2018-12-25: Added chapter and paragraph.
Considered retrospectively, the events on Halloween spawned thousands of alternative realities.
Of course, I don’t know anything for sure. Yet, I suspect that these constellations lead to the subjection and the collapse. If only one situation would have been different, I may not have told the singer that I blocked her only a few days later. Perhaps the chain reaction described in the subsequent posts that triggered the disbandment could have been delayed or even avoided. There were plenty of reasons to not throw anything away.
Do we really know what we’re doing? Is this divine intervention? Should everything come as it is?
I already questioned my power to alter my life in a post of random thoughts:
But sometimes it doesn’t really matter what you do. If you reflect more about your situation, you may see more options. But at the same time, your fate is also in the hand of others, and maybe your life is more determined by what others do with respect to you then yourself. It’s not clear to say how much control we do have about our lives.
Some might say that our subconsciousness always leads us into the situations we face. In my case, I honestly hope that this is not true. Although I can’t decide what’s worse: to suffer from accidents or from the tragedy created by myself.
Update 2018-12-26: Added paragraph.
While I worked on the revision of another post, I found this quote of Joan Lowery Nixon which objects to my statements of the previous paragraph:
Life is not easy. We all have problems – even tragedies – to deal with, and luck has nothing to do with it. Bad luck is only the superstitious excuse for those who don’t have the wit to deal with the problems of life.
Ok. But I’d say this only holds true if you’re capable to find -> declare happiness in your life, even if your circumstances are bad. Then, to declare yourself as happy is the ultimate skill.
The Day After, Now
The incidents consumed all of my resources necessary to solve critical problems. I feel fragile and can’t deal with further failures. Fortunately, today’s a holiday and thanks to enough sleep I have at least some positive productive power. I’ll try to use it on the following:
- Working on this blog
- Develop a topic for my master thesis
- Working on the university course I’m attending
- Working on myself
- Making music, especially working on my own project
Thus, while I didn’t had a happy Halloween, at least other personal areas might benefit from it.
Therapy by working.
Or, in Dale Carnegie’s words to “break the worry habit before it breaks you”: Keep busy. Although I suppose that this habit must change during The Transformation.
Featured Image – via pxhere.com