The Transformation isn’t going well, the last days were quite a dread. Desperate thoughts filled my head in nearly any time I didn’t have to concentrate on something else. Especially immediate after work I struggled to keep my head up high.
I recognized another shift: since about a week I’m sick of weeping. It became harder for me to cry since I don’t think any longer about the recent events. Instead, my apathy and self-hatred returned and in some minutes I don’t see any sense in moving on. In these moments it’s hard for me to do something good, like to grab my guitar or grapple systematically with my problems. There are so many constructive things I could do, but I don’t seem to have any power for them.
However, only a few minutes ago I got a new positive impetus that I use now to write this post. It stems from my hope to reduce mistakes eventually. At the end of the post I provide a possible solution.
The last few hours
Once I came home, I was again very frustrated with the situation I’m in. I was in search for anything exciting I could do on this evening and to not stay at home. I discovered that at least one event was going on today that could be a good trade off between my still intact ethics (at least I suppose them to exist and not to be an artificial hideout for my fears and low self-esteem) and my desire to push me over self-imposed boundaries. After a short arrangement I’ve made me on my way.
When I arrived, I already recognized only a few cars parked there, so I already thought I should better turn. Yet I went into the place and fortunately there was no entrance to pay. The drinks were quite cheap so I ordered one. I examined the setting and recognized that nearly no guest was on the dancefloor. I spent some time, observed the few people and began to contemplate about good and bad actions.
Was it good that I went to this place to distract me from my madness? For the first time since about a week I witnessed a few minutes where I didn’t concentrate on anything or either thought to become insane. What’s the meaning of this, or even the purpose? How many people do feel the same way? Are people really happy? Do they feel being appreciated, being loved, experiencing a sense in their lives? Are they appreciating and loving?
… and an insight
I guess many do, at least in
western civilizations (this could be something worth investigating). I suppose for many people things just worked their way out – maybe they went a road (not without burdens) but eventually found something to believe in, to worship, to be worthy of suffering for. Most likely much of my affliction results from having nothing to fight for – most of the time I set goals for myself what I want to achieve, yet at the end it doesn’t matter anyway. After all the years of trial and error I’m still alone and (maybe that’s my real misfortune) couldn’t develop even an irrational conviction of anything. Perhaps no one is endangered as someone who doesn’t believe in anything.
The repeated mistake
To return to my statement at the beginning: I definitely tried to improve my life, so I gave up some negative habits and left former unhealthy environments. But at the core my perception of myself, others and the whole world hasn’t changed much and so I assume I play a losing game wherever I go. However, the problem lies not only within me, but also in my surroundings. Too few people honor my sincere attempts to be more friendly, courteous and caring. Or at least to be less self-centered, although to write a blog about personal experiences tells another story. Anyways, it’s hard for me to find enough surroundings and moments in which I can progress. Then, I fill the space with situations that do me no good and at the very end I’m frustrated with my life.
Update 2018-12-03: The previous paragraph is hard to read. Even I regret how pitiful I think of myself and how weak it is to blame my failures on others. But it stems more from a bad writing. I should had emphasized more that I deeply understood that I have to work on myself, too.
How to reduce mistakes
I suppose the only way to improve is to sincerely admit which people and situations are healthy for me. I wrote this now several times in a few posts of the series; obviously I wasn’t able to identify them since then. Another explanation is the one I already provided: there are a too few people and environments that suit me well. Perhaps a good tradeoff is to assure room for new, good things to happen and to integrate them in my life – and for each one to drop the worst that’s still part of it. This might be an integral part of The Transformation.
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