My last post dealt with the collapse of important parts of my life. However, I indicated it might be possible to build upon the ruins something new. I hope I can seriously work on the deep issues that eventually motivated me to restart this blog.
At least for now it doesn’t seem that further key elements in my life might brake away from me which would strain me again. While the storm is not over yet, I’ll try to focus on the reconstruction.
Feelings have changed
I discovered that the depression, apathy, anger and sadness are not that dispositive anymore. There are still moments where I experience that weeping helps to relieve me from present burdens, but my everyday life now seems to be less a drag. Yet I’m afraid that loneliness and solitude might wait for me around the corner.
Perhaps more important: I begin to make plans again. I filled my calendar with many things to do and I have several projects I spend time on currently. Two weeks ago it seemed impossible for me to even concentrate myself at work if colleagues or customers wouldn’t demand my full attention.
So, I may ask: was this dark episode only caused by my hopes and wishes with regards to my relationships to specific people or is there a latent theme that disturbs any link I build to others? I guess the answer is yes and no.
It’s no because I’ve got at least a few people I trust in and rely on. Thankfully I don’t have any worries that this might change. On the other hand, I suppose that in terms of romantic relationships a huge problem exists. It seems that I’m attracted to women with complicated lifes that I can’t deal with. Second, while I love to play in rock bands because of the musicial interaction, I dislike many other aspects. Most of the conversations and attitudes I’m usually confronted with feel like such a waste of time.
Nevertheless, both matters hit me hard if I fail in them. And there’s the point: In my interaction with people I feel responsible to direct them or the collective into the right direction. I’m quickly disappointed if I don’t feel appreciated for my attempts. I know that I can’t change people, they can only change themselves. At the same time I develop expectations when I get to know them better and most of the time in the matters named before the affected people often don’t behave as I do wish. This causes trouble first in me and afterwards in the relationships I have with them.
Immediate Tasks for myself
Right now I suppose I have several tasks to fulfill.
First, I have to work on myself to become more resilient against my disappointments that arise from the expectations towards people.
Second, I have to rethink how and when I develop these expectations. I assume that in general, I don’t expect that much from the people around me. But many hopes and dreams come up when I get to know people better and I begin to trust them. Finally, I should get to know more people that have a positive influence on me and that I can truly respect.
At the same time, I suppose the tasks named above won’t be solved easily. I’m certain that I have deep issues I have to focus on. My behavior and feelings are only symptoms of underlying injuries. And, to integrate all these ideas back into the concept of The Transformation, all the experiences I’ve made in the last week are overshadowed by my dissatisfaction with myself and the world around me. This pushes me into depressions, although I have the feeling that in the meanwhile I can handle it a little bit better.
Update 2018-12-14: Added paragraph
I suppose that the reconstruction will take some time. Not only do I want to build on more solid ground, but also because I’m sick of playing games.
Unfortunately, I’m not ready to settle down where I currently live. Right now, my situation allows me to build up at least some financial stability. Besides that, I still haven’t lost the wanderlust that grabbed me soon after my return from Korea. But the signs have changed: About a year ago, I was assure to pack my belongings once I finished my studies and move abroad again. As none of my plans worked out and my experiences since then shaped some of my beliefs and expectations, I’m no longer certain that this intend will cause the desired outcome.
And as I write these lines I realize that the desired outcome then is not only a reconstruction, but something different and better. It’s more like to leave many assumptions from the past behind and build something new with a fresh spirit on a greenfield. But to turn the corner: nowadays I suppose that even moving abroad won’t solve my problems, at least not automatically. So it’s more important to better chose the right environment so the seeds that I plant will grow inexorable and will withstand any storms.
Featured Image – By nathan618, via pixabay.com