Update 2018-12-26: Added paragraph “Context”.
Since The Dream I had several talks which fostered the findings presented in this post. They cover many different aspects and remind of the Thoughts And Impressions series, but they’re all connected to The Transformation. Nonetheless, most of them qualify for separate posts, so perhaps future posts will spawn from these topics.
The order of the topics is a bit jumbled up. I didn’t want to reorder it because it depicts where the train of thought was heading.
To Handle The Depression
First, I started to take a break from my work when I become depressed, walk over to my apartment and write down what I think and why I feel sad.
I realized that during the first sentences the sadness usually becomes stronger as I formalize my thoughts and feelings. Once I have all my current worries written down, my inner pressure seems to weaken and I search for solutions for my problems.
As I write them down, I feel at least some relief and my mood lightens a bit and ultimately becomes better before I started to write. This process may take up to 20 minutes, but 1) it’s good for my mental health, 2) I learn more about myself and 3) I can concentrate on my work more afterwards.
The Effects Of Talks
Second, while conversations with different people might be a distraction, the positive effects don’t last long. Often even on the same evening I become depressed again once I quit an event or a discussion with someone. Nonetheless, I’m very happy that right know I have a few people I can talk to casually, even about intimate feelings.
While I try to clean my room more often, I still can’t manage to develop a positive atmosphere there. On the other hand, I’m not sure if that’s necessary at all.
Perhaps it isn’t that bad that my apartment is only used for sleep, a “safe space” and for talks with people. If I experience all the good things in life rather outside than at home, I stay flexible and mobile. But I assume a strong negative psychological effect to not live the concept of “home”.
I’m quite lucky that I got in contact with another person I can spent some time with and even go out to discotheques or just hang around. While I found a few friends since I moved to Nuremberg, they’re usually quite busy. On average, I spent two or three evenings a week with friends, the others on my own.
I already realized a few weeks earlier that I should find more friends. However, during the first weeks and months since my move to Nuremberg many obligations filled my free time. For example, I needed to get along with my job and completed the university course I participated remote via Skype sessions.
At the moment, the workload for my job and university is lower than before. I’ve got more time I can use for my own which fuels the desire to fill it with social activities.
The Occurence Of The Depression
The current frequency of depressive phases also only began about two months ago. Then, I became interested in the woman I’m in love now for several weeks.
In my talks I realized that she triggers several complexities in me which gives me a hard time to handle our friendship. However, in the last few days many things happened that lead her to say that she doesn’t want a relationship right now, at least not with me. She quits contacts with several intimate partner she once had and seems to go through a transformation similar to me.
I do feel happy for her.
Until today there was always a bit of hope that I could build a partnership with her. This hope now has died, and it’s good. It hurts as hell, but on the other side I feel that I can now regain control of my life instead of being vulnerable to the complicated situation I’ve been until now.
Update 2018-12-26: Added comment.
Of course, what I’ve written before was naive to think. Many of the following posts tell another story.
I had my first weekly session with a therapist that I’ve contacted a few weeks before.
For now, she provided me with a few valuable ideas, especially regarding the origins of the complexities I have. She recommended a book I started to read which focuses on the development of the inner child and the problems that can arise based on mistakes during nurture.
Before my first session I had to write a personal curriculum vitae with respect to my childhood and family constellations. The therapist was saddened by the story I had to tell. In short, I couldn’t build up trust with my parents, and when things became worse during my teenage years I had no one to talk to. I assume to be confronted with many conflicts that arose in these years in the next sessions and in between.
In the last days I made several notes, yet I couldn’t motivate myself to bring them together and work on the blog itself.
However, I said to myself that I want to refresh the site until the end of October to launch it in a new style. Perhaps I can even advertise for it, e. g. if I attend a local regular table of bloggers.
Fortunately, my overall aim to become more satisfied and happy with myself hasn’t changed, although current events could have pushed me into other directions with different goals. It appears to me that the work on this blog does me good and thus contributes actively to The Transformation.
Featured Image – By Sacha Chua, via flickr.com