winter-landscape-white trees-dullness-demise

The Transformation 13: Demise

Context

It’s been three weeks since the confrontation and the final gig. A major trend seem to manifest itself now: the demise. It consists of several phenomena (dullness, missing joy, lack of responsibility). In the following chapter, I’ll elaborate on these, yet I’ll begin with a recap of the most important recent events, although there were only few. At the end I provide an idea of antidotes against these problems. Finally, I conclude with the prospect.

The End Of The Band

The Last Stages

I concluded the last post with my worry for the final gig. On the next day, I apologized in the WhatsApp channel for my behavior, but I had the feeling the others couldn’t understand my situation. I described it like the following: if I wouldn’t have been satisfied with the band, most likely I would have tried to move to another city back in August when I had my hiring interview. My move to Nuremberg was not by backed by motivation, but rather desperation to not lose any more time before I could finish my studies. And now the major reason why I extended my stay in Nuremberg is gone.

Unfortunately, this reminds me of a former experience I made. Certainly this contributes to my anger. Perhaps I write on another occasion about that.

The last few hours and days before the concert were ok, I guess. I remember that I’ve been quite productive even in my free-time and seemed to regain life energy. However, once I had to pack my things for the event my mood sunk steadily.

The Final Act

When I arrived at the venue, I avoided most of the people at the beginning and searched for backstage. There, the tension was still present, especially when my comrades were in the room.

Luckily, the opening act, a rock band consisting only of girls, was there, too, and I talked to them. I realized that I haven’t spoken much in the last days and already the few words we exchanged led to some sort of relief. Shortly after I was busy to set up my stuff and spent much time with the mixing person to connect the keyboard sound. This helped me to focus myself on the scene again and my temper shifted positively in the following minutes and hours.

The gig then was quite good, although the sound must have been bad. My guitar seemed to be off-tune to the other guitar and bass which I realized a few days later when I listened to some audio files. Yet, at the very end it doesn’t matter – it was fun to play and some listeners must have been satisfied, at least one person asked for my pick afterwards.

In the hours after the gig I talked to a good friend of mine that came rather to my surprise to the concert as I told her it was not necessary. I got away with my band mates in a rather positive way.

A few days later, one band member insisted on shutting the website down. I opposed, but didn’t want to argue further and finally agreed on the decision.

The Loss Of A Dominant Theme

A perhaps interesting viewpoint is the following: the process before the disbandment was intense and worth sharing with close friends of mine. I talked much about my relationship to the singer and the issues about the band. Now, everything is said and done. It’s not an important topic anymore in my interactions with people and so there’s one thing less to talk about.

The Demise

The Inner Core

I’m not sure what exactly caused the demise, but I can describe some of its pieces.

First, if I’m not occupied with an action that requires much attention, e. g. even when I go to the toilet, my inner critic talks to me. He questions the purpose of my being and my actions and reminds me that neither do I have a serious goal nor do I live a happy life. I don’t have any orientation and in my daily life I just do what I’m told. I use some of my free-time for projects, but at the very end it doesn’t matter.

It’s interesting and exhausting that this inner critic claims that much energy and time of my life. But it doesn’t surprise me. As I’ve described in earlier posts, my routine to silent my inner voices by rather listening to what happens on the outside established itself over years. The recent major incidents empowered other parts (personalities) of me that focus only on bad properties of me as well as of others.

A consequence of this empowerment is my erratic behavior. In some situations it feels like there’s a war going on in my head where different voices battle about the dominance of my being. Especially when I’m not at home I have to fight against the bad actors to prevent crying. When I’m on my way home, I often let the pressure rise to weep at least parts of it out once I reach my safe place.

However, in sum, my counter measures don’t work anymore.

The Dullness

Another sad theme is the dullness. At work I spend most of the time in the office, at least since a few weeks, and this is not doing me well. I realized that I need variety in my everyday setting. I recognized the customer visits to guarantee the necessary excitement. While there are sometimes opportunities to visit customers to work on their projects on site, they have become much less than before. In December, I had only one appointment outside which is definitely too little.

The missing excitement in the work place is usually not an issue as long as I can ensure to use my free-time with interesting projects. In general, I have many ideas of recurring activities, e. g. to do combat sport like fencing or to dance. I usually start them once I perceive to have some capacities over. Right now, unfortunately, this isn’t the case.

Next to my job I spend some time on my studies. I have to complete one remaining course which ends in January and I have to write my thesis which will last for six months. In order to set the latter up, I need to do some preparations next to my current course. At least if I want to ensure that I can start with my preferred topic as soon as possible, which is at least one goal for the upcoming year.

The studies claim some time, too. The setup of this blog devours further productive energy. Usually, I use any potential for work, studies or my blog everyday.

The Missing Joy

While I could state that the blog is for myself and contributes to my personal development, I see it more as work and investment rather than joy and recreation. I improve my writing and maybe also my thinking skills. My active vocabulary benefits from it. It might prevent me from doing something less useful with my life time. But there’s no fun behind it.

The same applies to my stops at the gym.

When you’re lucky, you get rewarded if you play in rock bands. For me, the active play time at gigs are rewards, and sometimes the backstage areas and times, too. But most of the time it’s work and investment. The conflicts I usually encounter, especially if they’re personal, consume my life energy and often I need to recover from them. In nearly any band that I played until now I questioned myself frequently why I expose myself to this sort of stress.

Yet to be fair: I also had great times with at least a few people I played with and I suppose to hope for them each time I’m in a band. Most likely that’s the reason I stayed as long as possible in each one to collect at least these precious moments.

Lack Of Responsibilities

Another aspect related to a life in a band is the responsibility you assume. At least the other members count on you. Sometimes progress can only be achieved if you contribute with high efforts. If you don’t, the group may fail because it’s so dependent on you. Usually much more compared to your role in your work life.

Obviously, I don’t hold this responsibility at the moment.

I suppose to play not a significant role at work either, so there’s no charge on me, too.

In my connection with my friends I experience an asymmetry. I do know that some of them are important to me and since at least this year I often thank them for their attention. But I don’t know if I play a significant role for them. In most of the cases, it’s me who asks how they’re doing, and I have the feeling if I don’t work on the majority of my links they would deteriorate.

The only time I usually felt somehow important and sometimes needed were the times with my former girlfriends. Right now I realize which burdens may have laid on them.

Antidotes?

In sum, I use much of my time for obligations. Of course, I still have a big left over of time that can be used for joy and recreation. Unluckily, I fail to do so, and so my life feels dull and grey.

However, I don’t want to complain without to lay out what I try to do against these problems.

Against the demise

I try to fight the demise (subconciously) primarily by putting me into situations with dead-lines so I have to concentrate myself on them. Second, if possible, I arrange spontaneous meetings with people to talk to. Third, if the first two don’t work, I try to make a cut and do something else, e. g. by going to the gym.

All of the named approaches are not healthy, though. I avoid to face the downfall which doesn’t work, at the latest if I go to bed and can’t sleep immediately.

In the last few months I “tried out” to weep, but I observed it to be less effective with each day. The same applies to my talks with close friends. This leaves me baffled. I guess only love is left that might heal me. That’s not good.

Against the other problems

At work, I look for projects I can join in which have at least some appointments on site. Further, I try to specialize myself in a role that is defined by the non-virtual contact with the customer.

For my master thesis, I should also think about how to invigorate studying.

I already have an idea how to adopt more responsbility. I will blog about it if I’m able to establish it, most likely in the mid of January.

Finally, I have a hard time to think about which activities could make me happy. I guess the reason is that not the activity itself, but the involved people are important to experience it as joy or fun. I don’t have any substitutes that I can really do on my own and please me. Nevertheless, I go out often and like to dance to music that I like. But this pleasure is not sustainable.

Prospect

As this post is written and released at the end of the year, the following can be seen as a prospect for at the least the first months of the upcoming year.

I suspect the demise to continue through at least January. A main contributor will be the upcoming exam which requires from me to apply for leave. Apart from Christmas and New Year’s Eve, I haven’t got any vacation days taken so far. It frustrates me to use again my potential vacation to study. On top of that, I will use┬áthe missing working days from Christmas to Epiphany to learn, too.

Many of my contacts will also not be available in this time. Thus, I assume to spend much time at home to study instead of to work.

I hope that the dullness will reduce itself with the beginning of February. Some appointments may be a hint for that. Additionally, I hope to become more competent at work to seize more possibilities to work on site.

Right now, I don’t see any developments that increase my life quality. Thus, my long-term vision is rather dark. As I added in the collapse, I suppose that only a symbolic divine intervention could turn the tables.

Sources

Featured Image – By peupleloup, via flickr.com

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *