The Transformation 05: Deceased Light

Update 2018-12-16: Major rewrite of the post. The original content was not deleted, but expanded widely.


The previous post deals with a mixture of different topics and current developments. In it, I also describe my attempts to deal with my depression, and in a side note I mention that the woman told me she doesn’t want a relationship.

The following text builds upon this background. Also, this post was written only a few hours later. It’s a short one and I thought about to integrate it in others or rewrite it, but then the coherency of the story would have been distorted.

I titled the post “Deceased Light”. The idea is the light that doesn’t shine anymore enough inside the personal prison. This is an important theme of The Transformation.

The Deceased Light

The Condition Right Now

To some extent, it’s no surprise that the heartache will take its toll. It’s about 6 am in the morning and I woke up ahead of my alarm clock like nearly everyday this week. Yet, I can call myself lucky that this time I had at least six hours of sleep. I guess that it only worked this way as I was quite tired the evening before. Nonetheless, I experience some sort of desperation – I lost somehow something to believe in and worth fighting for.

Now, there’s only emptiness, and I have the strong desire to expose myself to topics associated with a fast and impetuous lifestyle.

To Break This Prison

Until now, I lived most of my life inside my head rather than in the actual world and I thought about all the things I’d do in my phantasies. The presence in the real world is some sort of prison, yet good things inside illuminate it and make it bearable.

But not always. And now, as the light fades and the darkness grows, I come closer to jump over my inhibitions and want to break out from my everyday limitations.

An Example

Several weeks ago I thought I’d attend an event that will be held by a canadian psychologist in Amsterdam on the day before Halloween. This would have been the perfect challenge from several viewpoints. For example, I wouldn’t have booked a hotel room or any other shelter so I would need to find one on the same evening. Or even not: maybe I would end up somewhere I couldn’t think of or just drink and dance throughout the whole night. Whatever may come would have served well.

As the day came closer, I checked if tickets were still available – which wasn’t the case. Of course, there would have been many more options to challenge myself in Amsterdam before and at Halloween. But I took the former as an excuse to not expose myself to the imagined risks. At the end, I found many reasons why not to go. And this goes with saying: Where there’s a will, there’s a way; where there’s no will, there’s an excuse.

And for the record: most likely this saying is from Willy Meurer, but I couldn’t find a reliable source.

The Foundation Of The Prison

This idea highlights one of the conflicts that hindered me throughout my life. I wanted to try out more, but either feel ashamed, shy or fearful to do so. Most likely the latter one is the root problem, so my shame builds upon my fear.

Additionally, I adopted myself to risk-avoidant people while my inner-self could never cope with this situation.


In this darkness now, however, less seems to be of any importance, and maybe it fosters aggression to fill the void with anything.

Update 2018-12-26: Added comment.

Personal remark: I like the depiction of a berserk to revenge the deceased light.


Featured Image – By Turner, Thomas, of Gloucester;Radclyffe, William, 1780-1855, engraver. egr;Turner, Thomas, of Gloucester, signer. sgn UPB [No restrictions], via Wikimedia Commons