A few weeks ago I quit my former band which cemented its disbandment. We decided to play a final gig which will take place this Saturday.
I suggested that we rehearse one more time and the others agreed on that. Today we met to play the set we’re about to present in a few days.
Yesterday I practiced a little bit and didn’t thought much more about today’s meeting. Instead, I was only worried about the gig because I suspect hurting emotions and feelings to mix up. I really don’t want to play at it, but a) we mutually had decided to do so and b) while there exist some troubles regarding the band, my general dissatisfaction stems from several sources. It’s simply unfair to punish people for the faults of others, including myself.
Nonetheless, I can’t seem to put feelings easily away, and so today has already been the confrontation. Most certainly it won’t be the only, though, and so the topic could become a frequent part of the The Transformation.
Some things are wrong
On my way to the rehearsal room everything was fine. I had a rather short working day because I came late and went early. The day before I was quite busy and productive and all in all there were recently no things I can complain about.
Once I approached the building I felt my mood shifting drastically. I lost all my motivation to go ahead, yet the others were already waiting. It took me several minutes unload and configure some gear, so they had to wait even longer. I didn’t honestly greet them because I felt such a resentment towards the situation. Neither did I want to see them nor be at this place.
They didn’t talk that much, at least not in my present. When I was ready, we immediately started to play all of the songs and I focused on the playing. Unfortunately, after the first song I already became bored because the upcoming few don’t require much attention. My thoughts drifted away and all the little things that I dislike about the band popped up. I questioned myself what I’m doing right now and felt it just was wrong.
Face-off: Me vs my grudge
I fought against the dissatisfaction. In a few moments I prevailed and searched for eye-contact with the others – but I couldn’t sustain it either. It was obvious things are not working.
In the past I was very active during the plays. I walked and posed and played shenanigans with the others. Here, too, I tried to do my best today, but failed. There was no motivation to go along, and in a few moments I even stopped playing the guitar. Only God knows if they recognized it.
Right after the last song I began to pack my stuff again. In a mere moment with the singer she pointed out my anger and asked how I feel. I didn’t really answer. I questioned her the latter, too, she replied she’s not doing well. She gave me a hug and departed.
It took me several more minutes to collect all my equipment. It was an unpleasant process as the remaining members talked about their upcoming project while at least one watched over me. Some part of me just wanted to throw my stuff at them. I felt ashamed for my thoughts and the situation I put them in.
At the end I used my last remaining energy to farewell them. I’m certain they know there’s something bad going on with me.
On my way home I was shocked about my behavior. None of the people deserved how I treated them. At the same time I feel a strong anger in me and I hate everyone and everything for every little fault. But the person I hate the most is myself.
In my car I asked myself familiar questions. Why do I always end up in situations like these? As I write these lines, the answer is crystal-clear: I search for them. Today’s meeting was agreed by me, so it proceeded under my decision and will. Second, it was my perception (of myself) that tainted the atmosphere. I’m certain that if I had brought with me a bright mood the evening could have been a good one.
In the past I blamed all my failures (with little exceptions) on others. And while it’s true to some degree, it’s the ratio that’s wrong. If other’s behave inappropriately and I suffer under them, it’s not my fault. But if I don’t treat them fair and the situation impairs, I’m the one to blame. That’s what happened today. Today I was the angry and resentful guy, someone no one wants to be around. Understandably.
Obviously, there exist constellations that trigger the mad, destructive beast in me. Then, people and myself suffer. From a different angle it’s a wonder that some of the affected persons still talk to me. So far the descriptive analysis.
I assume these situations to come up when either feelings have been hurt or unresolved conflicts exist. Today, both was the case. I’m still wounded from the ignorance of the others when I clarified my veto in searching for a new singer only few hours after her resignation. Further, it seems to me that the others already closed this case, most likely because they already buried their expectations in this matter. Lastly, some of these unresolved conflicts were present today and rubbed more salt into the wound.
From here it becomes less clear what causes feelings to be hurt or raises conflicts. In general, both might occur when expectations collide with reality. In this case, I developed many expectations before the disbanding – which is no surprise as the prospects were quiet good. Only two months ago we had a cool photo shooting, there were five upcoming gigs until March and even some progress in the song-writing could be expected. All the hopes crushed in a few hours and this wasn’t caused by a higher power, but rather by the other members. That’s hard to forgive, at least for me.
Now, at the end of this post, I worry even more about the upcoming gig. I see that I wasn’t able to handle today’s gathering well and, as explained at the beginning, I suppose the next confrontation to be even more extreme. I guess the only thing I’m now capable to do is to search for advice and take it seriously.
Featured Image – Artist: Chaim Koppelman [CC BY-SA 3.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons