Preface: I wrote for more than a week on the following points which made it hard for me to remember what happened exactly. Yet as I want to ensure a coherent story, I used any few available minutes to finally finish this blog post.
It’s insane how quick I lost basically anything in my private life that I’ve gained and created since several months and, for a few things, even years. To some degree, I can’t even name it, I’m just stunned. But I’ll try to write down what happened since the last post to document the collapse.
The day after my last post I met with my band colleagues to discuss all the issues. I explained to them that I felt overlooked in their quick decision to immediately post online that our singer left and that I don’t identify with this approach. Further, I can’t stand some other issues that came up on the same day and I told them that I quit the band as well. The band colleagues decided to meet on Sunday again, I left open if I would join. The singer said she only wanted to meet if I also took part. On my drive home, I was downcast and not able to either think or feel anymore.
The next day I had another good phone call. Good because my friend understood my decision to leave the band and she emphasized that to talk is not enough – to make a change, it’s important to take actions. It were these words that planted a seed of a new conviction to build something new, although it would take a few more days before it grew out of the soil. Later on I went with the other good friend of mine to two discotheques; however, I left the second one early as I was just exhausted.
I can only remember two things of Saturday: that I met with a girl who approached me two weeks earlier; we talked about this and that, especially about her last relationship. Later on I went to another discotheque with terrible music so I left early once again, but that was ok as I wrote to my former band colleagues to join the discussion on Sunday morning.
When the time has come, everyone was present, and the atmosphere was tense. We agreed to play one more gig and the band leader brought documents about the disbanding of the band that everyone signed. Immediately afterwards, the singer left without farewell. Again, I completely felt passed out from this world, with no energy left to think clearly and close to insanity. However, on the same evening I met again with the girl of the day before and I stayed at her home.
Monday till Wednesday
On Monday I went to the gym again after I couldn’t motivate myself for more than a week to do something good for my body. On Tuesday I had another talk when I discovered how much I’m dissatisfied with my life in general, not only restricted to the current events. It resulted in a strong tilt towards my problems and viewpoints of my life and I realized that currently I can only think of myself.
On Wednesday I had to stay at home as I waited for a technician to install my internet connection. While I used the time to tidy up my apartment, I had to cry several times as I couldn’t withhold my inner pressures any longer. I decided to cancel any obligations for the current and upcoming week to assure time and space to confront myself with all my sadness and weep out whatsoever in me.
While I was quite busy at work (which keeps me distracted), a somehow weird situation appeared on the evening. Again, I was at a local small discotheque where some of the people connected to the singer hang around, so I recognized some familiar faces. The girl I met on Sunday was there, too, yet we didn’t talk that much, instead she seemed to spent more time with the guy she was in a relationship up until recently.
While this didn’t surprise me, I spent most of the time talking to people that are connected to the singer and tried to uncover their stories and relationships they had with her. Interestingly, all of them seem coherent in their own way, yet they don’t fit together well. It’s like everyone experienced a really different person when it comes to the singer.
I wonder whether that’s usual in human relationships or just portraits the ambiguity regarding human perception. Further, I talked to a guy with a high charisma as I wanted to extract his knowledge as I supposed he was an expert in knowing people, yet I wasn’t able to gain any valuable insight. By accident I also had a rather boring conversation with a nice guy talking about the conflict in Syria; maybe on another occasion I’ll elaborate why it was dull to me.
When I finally drove home, I realized that I’ve never spent so much time at a discotheque to talk to people (like in a role-playing game), yet there wasn’t anything which pleased me.
Friday: The Collapse
Finally it happened: In the evening I had some sort of breakdown. Thankfully, I was at home, yet I couldn’t stop crying and felt as lonely as back in my teenage years. I had a strong urge to sent a message to an ex-girlfriend to tell her how I miss the few situations we had where she comforted me when I was sad and had to cry. However, our last conversations were exchanges of e-mails and I suppose she had blocked me since about a year ago.
After a while I realized one thing: I never talked as much as with close friends in the last few days and weeks when I felt gloomy, but it couldn’t cure my deep sadness. At the end of it all it seemed to me that a) I have to accept that I must withstand this situation rather than fight desperately against it, and b) I have to comfort myself and c) however, only I can precipitate change when I work on a new life which succeeds the current stage.
The latter gave me some sort of new energy, at least enough to go to another discotheque where a live band still played when I arrived. It felt good to experience life just on my own, without desperately trying to attach myself to someone else.
On Saturday morning, I somehow felt refreshed, at least I spent most of the time doing rather productive things. I worked on the tasks for my university course, contacted local musicians to build a new band with them and investigated new ideas and projects I could work on. My hope: to find new meaning (again, another topic I will try a full-length blog post on).
Nevertheless, in the evening I went to another discotheque where I was quite happy with the songs played. For a second time it just felt good to make a decision that seemed to pay off in that moment. Coincidentally, the good friend of mine also joined later, yet we didn’t talk much. To no surprise, during the night I felt down another time and decided to go back to my car, cry out my pity and then got back to dance and live again.
Funnily enough, one song that’s tightly connected to my experiences with the singer was played shortly after and I nearly broke down in tears when I was in the middle of the dance floor, yet I could resist. Still, at the end of the night I was satisfied again, at least for how I handled myself on that day.
Finally, I used the Sunday primarily for recreation and some further investigations. Luckily, one drummer seemed interested in the ad I posted online. At the same time he was critical because he rather wants to play in a band that already has several songs composed than to form a new one just how I described it in the ad. I wrote him that I will work on more songs in the next two weeks so there exists some material to start with. Thus, I have a new task I can work on which should fill at least two evenings in the upcoming week. When noon moved towards evening, I felt the desire to to dance and drink another time, but there wasn’t any event nearby that seemed to me worth attending.
Now, I assume that only a clear cut allows new projects (and maybe new people) to fill this giant new void.
Update 2018-12-16: Added Paragraph
I think that the collapse is crucial in the progress of The Transformation. It is a break from different perspectives, and I want to emphasize on one in the following paragraph.
Since the collapse, my life quality has noticeably sunken. Hopes and dreams have died and one month later I find myself in disorientation. I question my previous assumptions, but I don’t see any alternatives yet, and I feel lost. This is surprising to me, but I attribute it to the deep cut in my soul that was rubbed with salt during these days. And until now, one month later, there’s nothing that heals this newly opened wound.
Thus, my prospect is the following: there’s much pain to bear, and like the title of a former post, there’s no ending in sight. This, again, is different than before when I had the feeling that I have the ability to alter my situation for something better. Now, I don’t know what’s better, and I fear that only an unpredictable change will guide me into a new direction. But it’s not satisfying to be dependent on chance and it crushes my belief of having my fate in my own hands.
Featured Image – By icheinfach, via pixabay.com