doors-black and white-reflection

Random thoughts (2018-11-15)

Update 2018-12-16: I didn’t want to modify the content of the original post, so I left it how it is. It’s not well written, but the context provides a reasonable explanation, yet it was the same for the previous post on thoughts, facts and moments.


Or more like “alcohol-induced thoughts written down on pieces of paper in a discotheque during a weekday evening”… here it comes.


About home

One major question for me is where and whom I belong to. I realize the set of experiences I’ve made are unique so I have to find the answer for myself. However, I ask myself if others might think that much about this issue.

I guess the answer is no. Not only that cultural differences play a role (nurture), but also personality traits, experiences and desires (nature), and so I suppose many other factors. If I realize and admit to myself that I may question the sense and purpose of my life more than others, I might as well could say that’s just the way I am.

Yet, am I happy? Again the answer is no. Does this behavior tilt me into unhappiness? Some people say indirectly yes. But no one knows the truth. But I’ve got the feeling they’re right. Fuck… anyone and anything.

About appreciation

On the other hand… I do know that I search for a partner I can fully trust in. It could be that the more time I spent in communities where there’s a frequent exchange of people and partners the more frustrated/ depressed I do become as I wholeheartedly seek for something else.

Right now I’m thinking in many ways how to change my life. Interestingly, back in Cologne I started a different way of living – but do I have been more happy? I don’t know. Maybe I was more satisfied with my daily routine – but I was alone just the way (or even more) I am today.

But is it then me, once again, or is it that I can’t unleash my potential, my whole capacity of trust and love? Maybe it’s the second, and perhaps I should change places once again. Maybe somewhere on this planet does exist a place where I do have the feeling I’m appreciated for who I am (at least for, let’s say, 80 %) – and people do not only like small portions of me and only respect these pieces. I really need to find an answer. At least in the intermediate-term, but the faster, the better.

About key characters

One thing is quite interesting. Many modern role-playing-games create a universe where you can choose among options and consciously interact with people to alter the ultimate ending. I try to figure out how much my life works the same way. Maybe there are people that I talk to and don’t have any influence on my life and my ending. And there there are key characters I have to deal with to progress with my story. And if I don’t interfere with them, I stay stuck in may way of living with all this sadness. Second, they might not become an integral part of my later life.

I suppose that sometimes I even help or even safe people with my interactions – and hopefully don’t drive them insane.


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